Relationship or Nah???

The more I try to pull shyt together…..my life…my surroundings…..the job…..fatherhood…..the more I wonder if all of those things are enough.  I have worked hard as fukk to get to a better place emotionally. Therapy and long talks with people who can relate to the shyt I’ve been through have helped me focus on the the positive things that have pulled me through. The amazing bond that I have with my kids, who have kept me ALIVE, has been the sustaining force that keep me smiling on the daily. I’m working for a company that I really enjoy. And of course, natures herb has kept many a muuhfukka alive. Cuz bitches be comin out the mouth crazy, beggin for that ass to be whooped.

Needless to say, I’m in a much better space. But after all of that…..I wonder if I want to be with someone…..try my hand at a relationship with a dude…..not always just gettin my shit sucked or some ass…..a true, committed situation….I wonder.

Do I want the chance to have a consistent nigga to call and chat with….to see a few days a week…..to do sensitive and intimate shit with that goes beyond physical touch. Conversations…..hand holding….getting to know a nigga. Just wondering.

Do I wanna cook for him, and have him cook for me/ Have him stay over, and I do the same? I really have been thinking about that shit…….HARD.

Image result for male couples

And if/when I do……when will I have the balls to be out with my shit. Live my truth as a bisexual man that loves dick, ass, and pussy, who is choosing to spend this portion of his life in a relationship with another muuhfukka that loves the same shit.

Image result for gay couples

I wanna get up on Christmas day and kiss that nigga on the forehead, and cook breakfast and shit. Go to ugly sweater parties and New Year’s Eve parties. I think about that shit often.

But……will I……can I……have the guts to go full out or not at all?

Will I be able and willing to understand that any ministry shit I do will prolly come to an end?

Will I be able to live in my truth and not give any fukks about where people stand concerning me?

Will I be able to share my truth with my children? Will they love me anyway? Will I have to dent Gargamel’s forehead after she tries to use my truth to hurt me and put a wedge between me and my kids.

There’s always that.

Not sure what I want…..but that shit is on the brain every fukkin day.

15 thoughts on “Relationship or Nah???

  1. I like that you wrote about what all single people think about every day, no matter how young your kids are they already know boo. I think it’s funny that you call your ex wife Gargamel . I hope to read more from you in 2017.

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    • Thanks wendym1971. Not sure if they know or not. But I definitely want to make progress toward fully embracing my truth fasho. Check out the blog from the beginning. GARGAMEL got that name honestly. Lol

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  2. Trapped, with things being all up in the air with you right now, don’t be in a rush about being boxed into a situation by anyone or anything. Take your time and evaluate your own personal circumstances and review what you want from them. You may want to write down what it is you are looking for and keep scrutinising how those things work in your present life.

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  3. Throw out any mental checklists of what your ideal man must be/do/look like and let “love” happen on its own time.

    You’ll meet him when you least expect it and he may be completely different than your preconceived notions of what you thought you wanted. Don’t let that scare you. Be open to that and let the relationship evolve.

    A relationship was the LAST thing I wanted when my husband came through the revolving door that was my life in 2002. But we were right for each other and our strengths complimented ch others’ weaknesses. He definitely calmed my ass down and got me in a better head space.

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      • re: “Will I be able and willing to understand that any ministry shit I do will prolly come to an end?
        Will I be able to live in my truth and not give any fukks about where people stand concerning me?”

        There are churches that are more accepting of gays, and even churches that are focused on the gay community. You needn’t give up the ministering if you don’t want to. http://www.gaychurch.org/

        My father taught me to be a leader, not a follower. He told me to do what I felt was right in spite of what everyone else said or did. I would offer you the same advice. If you’re ministering to people, you are already a leader that people look up to and respect. You can continue that path while living your truth. If the people you currently minister to can’t accept your truth, then take what you have to offer elsewhere. All you’re doing is relocating from your current building to a different one.

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  4. Dude.
    Same boat. Same thoughts After years of even tryna figure out what lane(s) I like more, or at all, and when I like them, and who I like them with…
    Met a kat. He same as me. Me – Separated/Grown Son. He – Ex football player Dealin with baby mama drama. But the same thoughts. Every day. Dunno how comfortable I am with bein in a relationship with a Dude… Love the feeling, but wayy too much to think about and deal with. Dunno if I have the guts to go all in, better yet all out. Of course peeps will say go for it, but they aren’t me. Think bout the shit every day. every day. every damn day.

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