The more I try to pull shyt together…..my life…my surroundings…..the job…..fatherhood…..the more I wonder if all of those things are enough. I have worked hard as fukk to get to a better place emotionally. Therapy and long talks with people who can relate to the shyt I’ve been through have helped me focus on the the positive things that have pulled me through. The amazing bond that I have with my kids, who have kept me ALIVE, has been the sustaining force that keep me smiling on the daily. I’m working for a company that I really enjoy. And of course, natures herb has kept many a muuhfukka alive. Cuz bitches be comin out the mouth crazy, beggin for that ass to be whooped.
Needless to say, I’m in a much better space. But after all of that…..I wonder if I want to be with someone…..try my hand at a relationship with a dude…..not always just gettin my shit sucked or some ass…..a true, committed situation….I wonder.
Do I want the chance to have a consistent nigga to call and chat with….to see a few days a week…..to do sensitive and intimate shit with that goes beyond physical touch. Conversations…..hand holding….getting to know a nigga. Just wondering.
Do I wanna cook for him, and have him cook for me/ Have him stay over, and I do the same? I really have been thinking about that shit…….HARD.
And if/when I do……when will I have the balls to be out with my shit. Live my truth as a bisexual man that loves dick, ass, and pussy, who is choosing to spend this portion of his life in a relationship with another muuhfukka that loves the same shit.
I wanna get up on Christmas day and kiss that nigga on the forehead, and cook breakfast and shit. Go to ugly sweater parties and New Year’s Eve parties. I think about that shit often.
But……will I……can I……have the guts to go full out or not at all?
Will I be able and willing to understand that any ministry shit I do will prolly come to an end?
Will I be able to live in my truth and not give any fukks about where people stand concerning me?
Will I be able to share my truth with my children? Will they love me anyway? Will I have to dent Gargamel’s forehead after she tries to use my truth to hurt me and put a wedge between me and my kids.
There’s always that.
Not sure what I want…..but that shit is on the brain every fukkin day.